Mi país está destinado a ahogarse en su propia sangre

¡El amor es tan falso como una mentira!

God whispers in my dreams

...while the Devil nibbles on my ear.

The Musings of a Solitary Walker

I had no idea how to start up this post.

I've been in the blue lately. Haven't been in the mood to write or else...

I just see my life going everywhere and anywhere at the same time.

Last Wednesday I hit up the City to hand in some résumés. I want to change job or at least I'd like to do something different from what I usually do at my beloved Instituto.

No cellphone these past 4 weeks and no way to text my friends or get phonecalls.

In some way this has been a kind of relief, a kind of freeing from Mother-n Technology.

I sent my friend Johan an email just to know if he could join me on my trip through da City.

After walking for twenty minutes, I made it right up to Televisa's core.

I'm kind of excited about the fact of potentially working in the City in something different and most important, something I'd love to do for life.

As I went promenade along the green Reforma Avenue I started thinking about my past, my present and my fate. I wanted to cry and laugh at my misfortune - if you let me call it like that.

Wise Shakespeare once said 'All the world's a stage...'

Well, I think my thoughts might make for a very good soliloquio.

I sometimes think I'm going crazy. I'm so full of shit inside - metaphorically speaking - and from a couple of years until know I haven't been unable to vent it. I think I should start drinking or taking meths or so.

On my way to the center, I ran into very quirky scenarios: a girl riding a green bike, a baby wearing bunny-like rompers, the scent of freshly cut melon, pretty girls wearing flip flops...

I love quirky stuff and believe me, I really dig filling my eyes up with them. It kinda feeds my messy mind.

I made it to Bellas Artes and my favorite art icon, Magritte was waiting for me. Just for me...

One of the most - or should I say the few? - exhibitions I have attended. Can't describe the feeling of being right in front of my beloved paintings: Le Viol, Le couer du monde and Le Grand Style.

Delight and orgasmic.

I even had the chance to tell people about a dream I had, all written on a huge board inside a room.

That's what clung me to Magritte, the way he relies on dreams.

Last night I dreamed of a tarantula when I was walking down wooden stairs.

The night before yesterday, I dreamed of a skinned-liked rats trio and a golden rooster.

I'm still trying to figure out what this might stand for. I love dreaming. I'd love to dream forever...

After the trippy exhibition I met good ol' Johan and grabbed a bite.

Good ol' Johan's a cool friend, one of the 'most beautiful people' I know.

In some way he embodies everything I've longed to have and to be: he's got a muscled body, he's got the perfect teeth and suntan skin, he's handsome, he's got a fucking cool car, well... He's everything I'm not and everything I do not possess.

Cannot help thinking about one of my favorite people on earth, Alfred Hitchcock and his weird director-actor working relationship with Cary Grant. Grant was everything Hitchcock wished he were. The same thing happens with me and good ol' Joh.

Johan wishes he was smarter, disciplined and responsible as I am or I strive to be.

Moral? No man is content with his lot...

Uneasiness intoxicates me even more and I know I should do something about it before I start slipping away.

Anyway, I always enjoy having some time with myself, even when I know the more I keep on with the show, the more I want it to come to an end.

Q: Have you ever read Othello?

XXV

I don't even know how to start this post.

I just know I've been under a lot over the past three months. I've started to think as an adult, not a youngster anymore and that's what woes my the most...

Ten years ago I was so ambitious, so driven for what I was doing back then.

Jeez, I still have no fucking idea where my aspiration went...

Ten years ago I was an underground teenager, who loved drawing and writing. Quite popular nevertheless, but always isolating myself, recluded in my daydreaming world.

I would dream of PG-13 adventures with horny, cracksmoking femme fatales in France, long shamisen sessions with geishas in Kyoto or exhausting volleyball games and capirinhas in Rio.

I haven't done anything of that... I haven't even gone to the States once...

This last Saturday a friend of mine told me not to worry for what I haven't done, but for what I am to do for my future, and he's fucking right.

But question is: Would I ever accomplish what I had planned ten years ago?

I never thought age would be a problem for me, but it is now.

I am scared. Scared for my future, and I know I should not worry about the future, but I certainly am...

In the morning, when I was having breakfast with my pops and bro, I realized one thing: no matter how old we get, we'll always have a place to call home, where we we'll always be children until the day we die...

A>>>>>>>>Z

A - Available: At weekends
B - Best Friend: Have many fortunately...
C - Color of Your Room: Bone
D - Dad’s Name: ‘Pachul’
E - Easiest Person To Talk To: Everyone’s got issues.
F - Favorite Food: Desserts
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms: Worms
H - Hometown: Countryside
I - Instrument: Fucking electric guitar and piano
J - Job: 24/7
K - Kids: NO, thanks
L - Longest Car Ride: Cervantino 2008, fucking 9 hours on the way back
M - Milk Flavor: Chocolate of course
N - Number Of Siblings: 1
O - One Wish: To have three more
P - Phobias: Fucking scorpions
Q - Favorite Quote: ‘Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known’ by Chuck Palahniuk. We are a blank canvas, I think....
S - Song You Last Heard: Hot Chip ‘ Ready for the floor’
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I’m obsessive with time.
V - Vegetable: Broccoli
W - Worst Habits: Sucking my fingers, scratching my head, not taking showers during vacations...
X - X-Rays You’ve Had: Ribs that looked like marimbas
Y - Your Favorite Pastime: Walking, reading, daydreaming...
Z - Zodiac Sign: Da Ram!

S is for Spring cleaning

Spring Sun has been heating things up around here lately. People get rid of coats and stop drinking coffee and start wearing t-shirts and sip on cold beer.

After the most hectic week at work I was fucking pleased to see I pulled every single thing off.

My plan to take over my new and beloved institution is still going on the good track, regardless of the days I didn't sleep at all and last minute changes and weird twists.

I got 10 at Gastronomy, I was clapped at Pedagogy and even when I felt I was about to fail due to incompetent and disorganized bunch of minions, I managed to take the helm and lead my entire troop to land safely. I don't give a shit, I'll cut some heads though...

Kudos for Amadeus who had the chance to be the MC during the project presentation ceremony, even when it was clear some of our distinguished presiding members had no clue about what he was saying in English. he's got what he wanted: exposure.

I have to say yesterday was one of the most fulfilling days of my life: all the clapping, congratulating and cheering were quite the right food I was expecting to nourish from. I've also realized I've become a complete animal who feeds on compliments for what I do.

That's the fuel I need in order to keep on going what I do, otherwise I'd have changed business long time ago. Just gotta be careful though... One of the problems of being on top is that you can suddenly have a public deafening fall. Ask Icarus about it...

World culture has told us spring is everything about rebirth and renew. Greeness everywhere and the smell of fresh prairies fill my pituitary gland and makes me alive.

Time to take out whatever is rotting inside and leave doors and windows open, always waiting for the winds of change...

And when we thought powerful March Sun would melt everything on its way, it seems Messenger chat was colder than witches' tits last night when Redheaded Girl bumped into Lowly Boy. Viejo Sol couldn't heat up our Boy's cold shoulder. No one wants to be paid with indifference. Did you learned your lesson well?

Gringo culture tells the world Spring cleaning is everything about huge boxes piled on the streets, full of things that might he a treasure for someone else.

It's time to get rid of the burden I carry on my shoulders, all the bullshit that has gotten on my way and that somehow ties my to the past. I have to take the skeletons out from my closet and bury them deeply.

So bring the boxes y'all, spring cleaning is just around the corner.

Make sure there's plenty of space in those boxes to fill up.

o_O ?

I think I'm losing inspiration...

Thursday + Friday + Saturday + Sunday

Last week was one of the toughest I've ever had in my life...
Lots of mixed up feelings and undoubtedly a rollercoaster the one I went on this last week.

Thursday

Got one of my students to tell my future and he was quite, quite right about what he told me.
Never been to fortune teller before, as I think there is no more fate that the one we make. It’s just us and the circumstances…
Anyway, as my student flipped the cards up and told me what he saw, everything fell into place… got chills up and down my spine.
I had to ask about her and the answer was what I thought it might be… or the one I wished it was… You and I are not meant to be together…
Late that night, two friends and I went to a place where a bunch of voluptuous girls take their knickers off and I have to say I really had a blast that night… Got some beer, a good laugh…
There´s something quite appealing about these places.
I imagine they are the new 21st century cult to fertility temples…
Loved Violeta…

Friday

Got up at 7 and flew to work for tutoring at 8 am. Got a sandwich at 11 and on my way home had some cookies and some ice cream. Rushed to the ATM at 1 and got some salty popcorn. Went to eat at 2h3o and had some fish, broccoli and carrots.
Couldn’t help smile when I ran into some ‘alegrias’ in the park right in front of my pad. Saw a blue balloon being carried away by the wind. 3h30 kicked to work at the Fac and got me a chocolate bar to enjoy later.
8 o’clock and after nibbling on my candy bar I got me a large hot cocoa glass.
Got home and had a big bowl of cereal. When I was ready to sleep I realized I have a quite serious eating disorder as I fill up my appetite with whatever I find on my path – metaphorically speaking…
It’s as if I was trying to fill in a space with food...
Got some sleeping problems… I couldn’t dream at all and that worried me a lot.

Saturday

Hit it up to the town center to get some working material and got me some ice cream. I went to work and I have to say that I really enjoy being a teacher.
After class I had a couple of drinks with my boss and had a quite interesting chat.
Cool people my boss and peeps, I learn a lot from them. I think they’re the best I got from the U-Ve-Eme experience.
At 6 met my homies I hadn’t seen in almost 2 months or more. Got some booze and tostadas… I’m a burger eating machine…
Had a good laugh with my buddies and at the same time I missed some others. Can’t wait to have them all together again… Arrived to the Valley at midnight and the cat had 5 cubs in the bathroom. All of them are black…

Sunday

Got up very early, trying to keep up with my pops who I hadn’t seen for a week. Had breakfast together and had a good laugh. Went to have lunch with my brother and ordered some shrimp and a tuna turn over. Can’t believe my brother is making up his mind. I’m quite happy for him…
Got back home and I surprisingly found that someone got 30 pesos credit on my cellphone. My rabbit was in the garden and I could tell she’s very big now. She’s been digging a lot these past two weeks.
One of my friends called me and hit it up to the hot springs. I had a very good and pleasant dip in the pool. Got some beer and cracked up laughing…
Then we went to a town nearby and I had a huge gorda de haba and a sope and I just had to lick my fingers up. Delicious garnachas!
At 8 we rushed back to the Valley and I feel exhausted…
I have to say I feel exhausted but I’m happy, quite happy.
I just realized that I was taking everything so serious and I had forgotten to take some time for myself, Work gets a lot from me and I sometimes feel drained, both mentally and physically.
I had been a little nervous because I stopped dreaming. I just couldn’t dream again, maybe because of stress. Last night I did…
I dreamed I was wandering my garden when I saw a jaguar in a rabbit hole.
The jaguar was enormous but I was not scared at all, even when I knew it might eat me up and choke on me…

I am depressed...

This has been a hectic week... I've been throught lots of shit these past two weeks...

I don't feel OK at all.

Something he doesn't have

Lovers take over parks and every gap they find between doors...

Children buy cheesy stuffed animal frosted with cheap candy...

Old people hold hands on the bus...

Girls and boys kissing as if they wanted to suck each other's soul...

Heart-shaped balloons get in your way to see the deep blue sky...

You can smell candyfloss in the air and you tell this is not like any other ordinary day...

In this scenario we can find Lowly Boy wandering the streets in search for some popcorn.

While busily running the crowded streets, he wonders if anyone is thinking about him.

Recollections fill up his head, some good, some bad, recollections that's all...

As he grabs some popcorn close to his mouth, he feels a little bit envious of the couple sitting right in front of him, holding hands, flicking each other's hair and softly kissing as if there was nothing around...

Lowly Boy feels a bit uncomfortable and thinks I might have been a better idea to stay home playing Nintendo... but the didn't.

There's something a little vouyeristic in Amadeus behavior. He's more of a witness. He's playing a silent role in the whole picture, as he didn't want to be noticed.

Even when he's dying of grief inside, he just wants to stare at those fools locking lips... as if he was part of something he might never have...

RIP Alexander McQueen

Alexander McQueen was found dead at his place this morning T - T

I think those Puma sneakers I wanted to buy are fucking going off the wall...

Too bad, this guy was a genious...

You didn't even tried

Yeah Yeah Yeahs' previous events

I cannot even punt into words how I feel after having witnessed one of the best and most-talked about concerts in Mexico in 2010.

I first listened to their album Fever to tell almost six years ago and from that time on I clang to their music. Quite talented Brian, Nick and Karen, whom in their early youth were considered a bunch of nerdy losers. One of my favorite songs from Fever to tell (2003)? 'Date with the night'.

Karen O's groans and moans included.

I can tell this is one of the greatest - and maybe one of the fewer- concerts I've ever been in.

I sang my lungs out in spite of suffering from this annoying sore throat thing.

The day before, as I have tons of stuff to do I went to bed -literally speaking- at 4 am and got up at 6h30 am, just two-fucking-hour sleep. Well, I might say nap...

Zombie-like I wandered through the aisles of my beloved Institute and I successfully pulled all the stuff off, considering that I just had the chance to close my eyes for 120 minutes that morning. Got my rather informal attire to hit it off to the concert and then flew to Mexico City in order to meet Readheaded Chick and of course, my date that night with The Yeah Yeah Yeahs...

Je ne sais pas pour quoi...

...mais je me sens un petit peu dévasté aujourd'hui...

Ama††heus checklist on how to survive a rainy Friday

1. Forget wearing T-shirts and sneakers from Thursday to Sunday
2. Get a pair of boots
3. Get a black umbrella
4. Go and flick through 70 pesos DVDs
5. Sniff some freshly baked bread
6. Get a sip from that new-to-my-palate Chinese tea with the red-headed chick
7. Run into puddles until your feet are numb
8. Meet the read-headed chick's peeps
9. Regret having said what you uttered last night Lowly Boy

Yeah, life can sometimes slap you on the face when you least expect it...

Queridos Reyes Magos...

Dear Wise Men,

This year I want...

a fucking Ipod Touch
a Scrabble board game
a scooter
a blue bike
a Six Flags annual ticket
a Pink Floyd limited edition box set
a Blackberry
a pair of Puma/Alexander McQueen 'Ghost' sneakers
an Hugo Boss suit
a joint
a strobe light
a pair of handcuffs
a Doberman
a white horse
an eagle eye
an iron fist
a metal heart ♥...

What? Is it up to me to get these? T ^ T

Goodbye Lowly Boy

One of my unsaid resolutions for this year was to let the past be the past.

Today I showed up before my now former boss to tender my resignation .

I just couldn't keep on working there, I was never happy living the 'experiencia U-Ve-eMe'.

Quite a relief now that I think about those sleepless nights I had when I used to think about that bunch of little spoiled brats had to throw at my face. Nonetheless I'm gonna miss some of the few self-worthy students I ran into while I worked there.

Anything to thank [Ú-Bé-Éme] for? Thanks for teaching me a valuable lesson: Nothing is what it seems...

I had inhabited quite pleasantly the boundaries I built myself for a couple of years until I made breakthrough decision. Once kicked out of my comfort zone, it was like awakening. I was turning into this mediocre critter, just teaching the same old books, telling the same old jokes and anecdotes. I forgot about overdoing myself, I forgot about topping myself in order to become a better professional and human being.

The second after I left my ex-boss's office I just stood still looking around me for a couple of seconds... I arrived to that school all happy, full of hope and dreams and turned out to be one of the most shocking and frustrating experiences of my entire life.

I was thankful for the chance I was given by working there, I am thankful now for the life-time experience and professional-improvement trigger implanted there. Thanks Mr. Lynx!

Now please aMa†heus, put the cat to sleep...

Resolutions 2010

1. Wanna hang out with my homies lot more...

2. Seriously keep on reading whatever that crosses my path...

3. Take up a photography, cooking or French lessons. Possibly a second degree...

4. Fucking go abroad... Let's try South America first...

5. Truth is money can't buy you happiness but, oh Boy, it feels good to have it.

6. I'm fed up with this lanky body of mine. Wanna work out...

7. I really need to take some risks... I think my life is getting boring as I'm growing ol'...

8. Don't want to fall in love again ♥ . Or maybe she's just around the corner.

You never know...maybe I'll never know...

9. Become a monster to get what I want. Discipline, self-determination, a perfectionist. I can't beat around the bushes anymore, I just need work my ass off to get what I want. I can't keep on playing two different persons, I just need to quit being a soft guy and start enduring myself.

That's what I learned from the UVM experience.

I'll be a monster...



H A P P Y 2 0 1 0

2009 damage recap

Another year went & fleeting... I have to admit I had never learned so much in a single year so far in my life.

I left a position at the Fac, I left my chance to be with her, I moved to the Valley, I left my friends and my not-very-well-paid job at CILC, picked up another job at a horrible school where fortunately enough I met a little person who recommended me for a job. I'm going to stick to that one...

I checked my resolutions for 2009 and I could barely achieve just a couple... It seems that my trip to NY is going further away even more. I just can't afford to ♥ NY.

This year I'm supposed to go under en eye surgery to get my vision all fixed. Hopefully I'll be getting my Ciclops vision by September.

This year we were acknowledged something: Nothing's for granted. I might say this was 2009's great lesson for us.

My dad was diagnosed with diabethis and for the first time I fell my entire world started to fall apart right in front of my eyes.

A month ago Mom found a little something in her bossom. Her mom died from the big C. We are still wandering amongst doubt and fear. I saw her cry. She's quite a tough girl, that's what freked the hell out of me. If she curmbled about her own health, how we are supposed to feel?

My brother doesn't want to study anymore and his only way out is to seek for shelter in drinking. We are tired to tell him to go the right way, he's a fucking grown up and he behaves as if he was fucking 7 y/o. We just have to let him touch bottom to see him finally wake up. Just hope it's not too late.

I'm moving back again to my old flat. I realized that as much as I love my family, they're not going to change just because I tell them to do so. I love my folks but they're just a bunch of crazy little people =) I realized I should not keep stuck myself, I should move on with my life and start making myself nothing but happy.

I also learned that I have to harden myself in order to survive, I just can't keep on playing the cool guy. UVM taught me nothing is what it seems and it's something I tought I had mastered well, as I play lots of characters but never show the real me. Call me fucking fake ass dick if you want, but there's no way I'm going to open up myself completely. People might think I'm fucking disturbed. Let's just keep my tiny twisted mind for my personal enjoyment and delight.

I became aware that she doesn't love me and she never will. I really need to get her out of my system.

The greatest lesson is that I learned I have to turn into a monster to get what I want, and a monster I'll be if it's what it takes.

So far, it seems that 2010 will be an interesting and quite hard year to handle.

Just pray for the strenght and the patience to cope with the challenge's life has in store for my folks and I.

As I said before, I never asked for this life, nonetheless it belongs to me.

I can't do anything else but live it...